The Archbishop of Canterbury Reflects on the Week
Waking with a dreadful hangover, I was forced to drink an entire fish tank of water, including the fish, to rehydrate. As I reflected on recent events, I recalled an ecumenical experiment: a confession I heard from Tony Blair a few weeks ago.
Keir Starmer’s Confession
Recently, Keir Starmer’s office contacted me, asking if he could also confess his sins. I agreed, and he knelt in the confessional box, separated by a gauze screen.
“Bless me, Archbishop, for I have sinned. I confess that in the grandeur of high office, I refer too infrequently to my humble origins. My father, for example, was a toolmaker.”
I interrupted: “No, he owned the factory and ordered others to make the tools, you twat, but carry on.”
“Er, my other sin is that I am sometimes too focused on delivery—delivery for British families and workers. This is my confession.”
I laughed: “That’s it? What about lying your way to Labour leadership, cozying up to Donald Trump, flag-waving like a Nazi, and arming a genocide? Say two Hail Marys and throw yourself into a septic tank full of boiling goat’s semen, you utter cunt!” Then I blessed and dismissed him.
A Lighter Moment
Trying to forget the encounter, I took a light breakfast and read a periodical. Ricky Gervais had created a series of spoof adverts for his own vodka brand, after his original ideas were reportedly rejected by Transport for London.
Author's Summary
The Archbishop humorously recounts a confession with Keir Starmer and notes Ricky Gervais’ playful vodka adverts, blending satire with sharp social critique.
Would you like the tone to be more formal or casual?